Lying or Loving--Which is it?
by Susie and Otto Collins
At one of our workshops , the women in the group all agreed that they grew up with the expectation that they would be "nice" and make everyone in the family feel good. They were not taught to speak their truth but rather hide what they were thinking in order to keep the peace.
Most people believe they are being loving when they withhold perceived unpleasant information from their partner, spouse or friends.
So the questions is--do you tell that other person how you feel in all situations? If you don't, is that being loving or is that lying to the other person?
Bell Hooks, in her book "All About Love," would say that it's lying. She says, "Lying has become so much the accepted norm that people lie even when it would be simpler to tell the truth." She goes on to say that "In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts."
We have found that when you tell the truth, it may hurt. But when you are completely open and honest, it is ultimately freeing for both people, giving you the opportunity to deepen your connection.
Some of you may question this--but we feel that if you are in a spiritual partnership with the intention of growing together, there simply is no other way. Bell Hooks says that "it is impossible to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth when the core of one's being and identity is shrouded in secrecy and lies."
The lies don't even have to be that big to drive a wedge in a relationship. Just not being forthcoming with your feelings is living with a lie and will ultimately create a separation.
David Viscott said-- "If we were to live honestly, our lives would heal themselves." Hard as this seems, we believe it's the only way to live. We've done it the other way and now we're trying to do it differently. Our experience tells us that when you communicate constantly openly and honesty, that's what builds safety and trust. That's what creates the real juice in any great relationship!
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Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "How to Heal Your Broken Heart," "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" "Communication Magic" and "Attracting Your Perfect Partner." In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. To read more free articles like this or to sign up for their free online relationship tips newsletter visit http://www.collinspartners.com or http://www.RelationshipGold.com
Susie and Otto Collins
P.O. Box 1614
Chillicothe, Ohio 45601
(740) 772-2279
This week as you go through your day, be very aware of what comes out of your mouth. Be very conscious of what promises you make and what you say to someone when your are emotionally triggered. Make a new agreement, as Don Miguel Ruiz says, to be impeccable with your word.
Well-functioning vs Dysfunctional
A well-functioning relationship is most appropriately viewed within the context of:
1) the individual partners
2) the couple
3) and the couple's environment
In a healthy couple relationship both individuals contribute to the well-being of the relationship. This means that the couple solves problems and makes decisions effectively, creates a sense of caring and intimacy, communicates constructively, and partakes as a couple in a variety of engaging and rewarding pursuits. Additionally, a healthy couple relationship promotes the growth and well-being of each of the partners in both the day-to-day functioning and long term functioning. The relationship should meet each individuals' needs, such as the need to make individual decisions, the need to be alone, the need to have a separate social life (like spending time with friends and without the partner). And finally, a healthy relationship is one that gives back to the larger society or community- for example, becoming involved in social, economic, or educational causes.
By definition, dysfunctional relationships function the opposite of healthy relationship. Partners might injure each other physically and/or psychologically. Individuals in a maladaptive relationship sew seeds of mistrust, are not supportive of their partner's need for alone time, are often controlling, and seek to exercise power over their partner. Negative behaviors include name calling, belittling, ignoring, accusing, yelling, physical aggression, undermining, to name a few.
If you are involved in a dysfunctional relationship, get professional help now. Get counseling, read some self-help books about relationships, go to a workshop about enhancing relationships, or seek out some other avenue to make your relationship a healthy one.
1) the individual partners
2) the couple
3) and the couple's environment
In a healthy couple relationship both individuals contribute to the well-being of the relationship. This means that the couple solves problems and makes decisions effectively, creates a sense of caring and intimacy, communicates constructively, and partakes as a couple in a variety of engaging and rewarding pursuits. Additionally, a healthy couple relationship promotes the growth and well-being of each of the partners in both the day-to-day functioning and long term functioning. The relationship should meet each individuals' needs, such as the need to make individual decisions, the need to be alone, the need to have a separate social life (like spending time with friends and without the partner). And finally, a healthy relationship is one that gives back to the larger society or community- for example, becoming involved in social, economic, or educational causes.
By definition, dysfunctional relationships function the opposite of healthy relationship. Partners might injure each other physically and/or psychologically. Individuals in a maladaptive relationship sew seeds of mistrust, are not supportive of their partner's need for alone time, are often controlling, and seek to exercise power over their partner. Negative behaviors include name calling, belittling, ignoring, accusing, yelling, physical aggression, undermining, to name a few.
If you are involved in a dysfunctional relationship, get professional help now. Get counseling, read some self-help books about relationships, go to a workshop about enhancing relationships, or seek out some other avenue to make your relationship a healthy one.
The Serpent and the Eagle
A little boy asked his grandmother why life is sometimes so painful.
His grandmother looked at him, considering a moment before speaking. “We all have an eagle and a serpent inside of us. The serpent brings thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, and the idea that it is other people that cause us to feel that way.”
She paused, and then continued. “The eagle flies high, sees far, and hopes to learn from the Great Spirit and to follow the Spirit’s way.”
“My grandson, life gets difficult during those times when the eagle and the serpent are locked in a necessary and mortal struggle to the finish.”
The grandson pondered for a while what his grandmother just told him. Then he asked, “Which one wins?”
Grandmother answered, “The one you feed wins.”
---Adapted from a story about two wolves fighting within us.
I have never met anyone yet that doesn't immediately understand this story. It is a basic dynamic each person deals with over and over. This inner dynamic is a key understanding that helps couples have compassion for each other. Often times when it seems our partner is arguing with us, they are really engaged in the inner struggle of which this simple story describes. And often we take our inner turmoil out on those around us, particularly those we say we love.
Learning to recognize, monitor, and regulate this inner personal relationship will go a long way in helping improve our external relationships.
Roadblocks to Communication
Communication is the key to any good relationship. Most of the time when we think we are communicating with our partner, we really are only communicating with ourselves. We see and communicate with our own goodness as it is reflected back to us from our partner. That works for awhile. But we also relate to our own negativity as it is reflected back to us. The problem is, we seldom realize to whom we are relating.
We often times paint a picture of gloom about our relationship in our own head and then we react to that picture as if it was painted by our partner. For example, our partner gets home late. We dream up the thought that our partner is messing around with someone else. We see where they meet, we see them kiss each other, and the picture unfolds like a movie. As we watch this movie, we become more and more anxious and angry. We think we are angry at our partner, but we are really angry at the picture we painted in our own head.
In order to improve our relationships and develop more effective communication, we must learn how to draw the boundaries between what we are thinking and what is real. This is no small task, but it can be done. We start when we take a step back from our thinking and realize it for what it is; a fantasy of our own creation.
We often times paint a picture of gloom about our relationship in our own head and then we react to that picture as if it was painted by our partner. For example, our partner gets home late. We dream up the thought that our partner is messing around with someone else. We see where they meet, we see them kiss each other, and the picture unfolds like a movie. As we watch this movie, we become more and more anxious and angry. We think we are angry at our partner, but we are really angry at the picture we painted in our own head.
In order to improve our relationships and develop more effective communication, we must learn how to draw the boundaries between what we are thinking and what is real. This is no small task, but it can be done. We start when we take a step back from our thinking and realize it for what it is; a fantasy of our own creation.
We Create Our Own World
It is important to understand that all of us two-leggeds create our own thoughts and emotions. We create our own fears, doubts, joys, and sorrows. But most of us think forces, events, people, and other things external to us cause us to feel and think certain ways. We say, “she made me mad,” or “he makes me happy.” When we believe this kind of thinking, we give our power away. Thinking external causes make us happy, afraid, sad, or angry is the same as believing we are robots manipulated by forces beyond our control.
It is true that events happen around us and to us all the time, but the way we form our internal emotional and rational world in response to those events is up to us. Should we be angry sometimes at our partner? Probably so. But we ought to tell ourselves that we are making ourselves angry, instead of saying, “he is making me angry”. It is not "blaming" yourself to say or think that way; it is "empowering" yourself.
Relationships thrive when those in the relationship understand this profound truth and behave accordingly.
It is true that events happen around us and to us all the time, but the way we form our internal emotional and rational world in response to those events is up to us. Should we be angry sometimes at our partner? Probably so. But we ought to tell ourselves that we are making ourselves angry, instead of saying, “he is making me angry”. It is not "blaming" yourself to say or think that way; it is "empowering" yourself.
Relationships thrive when those in the relationship understand this profound truth and behave accordingly.
We See Ourselves
Relationships are important. We see ourselves in all creation around us. When we “fall” in love, we are glimpsing our beautiful selves in others. And they in us. It is an empowering experience. No wonder it seems as if we have known the person we have fallen in love with for a long time; we have fallen in love with our deepest and most powerful self. As long as we accept what we both see in each other, things go well. But we soon start to undermine what the other sees in us, because we know it is not us they are seeing. We feel like a fraud, and we get busy destroying the image of ourselves that the other person holds. We think we are destroying a fraudulent image of us, but we are really destroying a real and magnificent image the other person has of themselves. And this action goes both directions.
What are Relationships?
Healthy relationships are balanced. Healthy relationships are sacred. What are relationships? Relationships are the interactions we have with all things created; the Four Legged People, the Winged People, the Standing People, the Swimming People, the Two Legged People, the Rock People. The relationship or interaction we have with the one next to us, our partner, our lover, is the most sacred of all.
Relationships create. Balanced relationships are the Creator. A healthy, balanced relationship is a place where Love lives. This Love is the source of life; the Creator. It can not be touched, but creates the touchable. When we have problems in our relationships, we have lost balance with each other. Our interactions are one-sided or nonexistent. In order to improve our relationship with each other, we need to bring our interactions with each other back into balance.
Relationships create. Balanced relationships are the Creator. A healthy, balanced relationship is a place where Love lives. This Love is the source of life; the Creator. It can not be touched, but creates the touchable. When we have problems in our relationships, we have lost balance with each other. Our interactions are one-sided or nonexistent. In order to improve our relationship with each other, we need to bring our interactions with each other back into balance.
Win $100
Category: Nonfiction
Closes: March 31, 2007
Fees: None
Prizes: $100 for first place.
Details: Maximum word limit: 300 words.
Theme: "Bad Breakup Story"
Country: World
Email: Relationship.knowledge@gmail.com
* Open to any writer in the world.
* All entries must be received by March 31, 2007.
* Original, unpublished work only.
* You may enter more than once.
* Decisions of the judges will be final.
* Prizes: $100 1st Prize + certificate.
* We reserve the right to publish entries on our web page.
* Email relationship.knowledge@gmail.com the following information:
----Name; Address; Phone; E-mail; contest subject.
* Attach your entry to the email.
* Winner will be announced by April 15, 2007.
Do you have a "bad breakup" story? Write about it and have a chance to win $100 USD. Tell us in 300 words or less about how you broke up with someone or how someone broke up with you. The more bizarre the story, the better. Just write about your breakup story and email it as an attachment to: relationship.knowledge@gmail.com. include your name, address, email, and contest name ("Bad breakup story").
Closes: March 31, 2007
Fees: None
Prizes: $100 for first place.
Details: Maximum word limit: 300 words.
Theme: "Bad Breakup Story"
Country: World
Email: Relationship.knowledge@gmail.com
* Open to any writer in the world.
* All entries must be received by March 31, 2007.
* Original, unpublished work only.
* You may enter more than once.
* Decisions of the judges will be final.
* Prizes: $100 1st Prize + certificate.
* We reserve the right to publish entries on our web page.
* Email relationship.knowledge@gmail.com the following information:
----Name; Address; Phone; E-mail; contest subject.
* Attach your entry to the email.
* Winner will be announced by April 15, 2007.
Do you have a "bad breakup" story? Write about it and have a chance to win $100 USD. Tell us in 300 words or less about how you broke up with someone or how someone broke up with you. The more bizarre the story, the better. Just write about your breakup story and email it as an attachment to: relationship.knowledge@gmail.com. include your name, address, email, and contest name ("Bad breakup story").
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