Lying or Loving--Which is it?
by Susie and Otto Collins
At one of our workshops , the women in the group all agreed that they grew up with the expectation that they would be "nice" and make everyone in the family feel good. They were not taught to speak their truth but rather hide what they were thinking in order to keep the peace.
Most people believe they are being loving when they withhold perceived unpleasant information from their partner, spouse or friends.
So the questions is--do you tell that other person how you feel in all situations? If you don't, is that being loving or is that lying to the other person?
Bell Hooks, in her book "All About Love," would say that it's lying. She says, "Lying has become so much the accepted norm that people lie even when it would be simpler to tell the truth." She goes on to say that "In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts."
We have found that when you tell the truth, it may hurt. But when you are completely open and honest, it is ultimately freeing for both people, giving you the opportunity to deepen your connection.
Some of you may question this--but we feel that if you are in a spiritual partnership with the intention of growing together, there simply is no other way. Bell Hooks says that "it is impossible to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth when the core of one's being and identity is shrouded in secrecy and lies."
The lies don't even have to be that big to drive a wedge in a relationship. Just not being forthcoming with your feelings is living with a lie and will ultimately create a separation.
David Viscott said-- "If we were to live honestly, our lives would heal themselves." Hard as this seems, we believe it's the only way to live. We've done it the other way and now we're trying to do it differently. Our experience tells us that when you communicate constantly openly and honesty, that's what builds safety and trust. That's what creates the real juice in any great relationship!
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Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "How to Heal Your Broken Heart," "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" "Communication Magic" and "Attracting Your Perfect Partner." In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. To read more free articles like this or to sign up for their free online relationship tips newsletter visit http://www.collinspartners.com or http://www.RelationshipGold.com
Susie and Otto Collins
P.O. Box 1614
Chillicothe, Ohio 45601
(740) 772-2279
This week as you go through your day, be very aware of what comes out of your mouth. Be very conscious of what promises you make and what you say to someone when your are emotionally triggered. Make a new agreement, as Don Miguel Ruiz says, to be impeccable with your word.
Well-functioning vs Dysfunctional
A well-functioning relationship is most appropriately viewed within the context of:
1) the individual partners
2) the couple
3) and the couple's environment
In a healthy couple relationship both individuals contribute to the well-being of the relationship. This means that the couple solves problems and makes decisions effectively, creates a sense of caring and intimacy, communicates constructively, and partakes as a couple in a variety of engaging and rewarding pursuits. Additionally, a healthy couple relationship promotes the growth and well-being of each of the partners in both the day-to-day functioning and long term functioning. The relationship should meet each individuals' needs, such as the need to make individual decisions, the need to be alone, the need to have a separate social life (like spending time with friends and without the partner). And finally, a healthy relationship is one that gives back to the larger society or community- for example, becoming involved in social, economic, or educational causes.
By definition, dysfunctional relationships function the opposite of healthy relationship. Partners might injure each other physically and/or psychologically. Individuals in a maladaptive relationship sew seeds of mistrust, are not supportive of their partner's need for alone time, are often controlling, and seek to exercise power over their partner. Negative behaviors include name calling, belittling, ignoring, accusing, yelling, physical aggression, undermining, to name a few.
If you are involved in a dysfunctional relationship, get professional help now. Get counseling, read some self-help books about relationships, go to a workshop about enhancing relationships, or seek out some other avenue to make your relationship a healthy one.
1) the individual partners
2) the couple
3) and the couple's environment
In a healthy couple relationship both individuals contribute to the well-being of the relationship. This means that the couple solves problems and makes decisions effectively, creates a sense of caring and intimacy, communicates constructively, and partakes as a couple in a variety of engaging and rewarding pursuits. Additionally, a healthy couple relationship promotes the growth and well-being of each of the partners in both the day-to-day functioning and long term functioning. The relationship should meet each individuals' needs, such as the need to make individual decisions, the need to be alone, the need to have a separate social life (like spending time with friends and without the partner). And finally, a healthy relationship is one that gives back to the larger society or community- for example, becoming involved in social, economic, or educational causes.
By definition, dysfunctional relationships function the opposite of healthy relationship. Partners might injure each other physically and/or psychologically. Individuals in a maladaptive relationship sew seeds of mistrust, are not supportive of their partner's need for alone time, are often controlling, and seek to exercise power over their partner. Negative behaviors include name calling, belittling, ignoring, accusing, yelling, physical aggression, undermining, to name a few.
If you are involved in a dysfunctional relationship, get professional help now. Get counseling, read some self-help books about relationships, go to a workshop about enhancing relationships, or seek out some other avenue to make your relationship a healthy one.
The Serpent and the Eagle
A little boy asked his grandmother why life is sometimes so painful.
His grandmother looked at him, considering a moment before speaking. “We all have an eagle and a serpent inside of us. The serpent brings thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, and the idea that it is other people that cause us to feel that way.”
She paused, and then continued. “The eagle flies high, sees far, and hopes to learn from the Great Spirit and to follow the Spirit’s way.”
“My grandson, life gets difficult during those times when the eagle and the serpent are locked in a necessary and mortal struggle to the finish.”
The grandson pondered for a while what his grandmother just told him. Then he asked, “Which one wins?”
Grandmother answered, “The one you feed wins.”
---Adapted from a story about two wolves fighting within us.
I have never met anyone yet that doesn't immediately understand this story. It is a basic dynamic each person deals with over and over. This inner dynamic is a key understanding that helps couples have compassion for each other. Often times when it seems our partner is arguing with us, they are really engaged in the inner struggle of which this simple story describes. And often we take our inner turmoil out on those around us, particularly those we say we love.
Learning to recognize, monitor, and regulate this inner personal relationship will go a long way in helping improve our external relationships.
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